What’s your patronus?…
“EXPECTO PATRONUM” Harry yelled. And out of the end of his wand burst, not a shapeless cloud of mist but a blinding dazzling silver animal, a stag. The soul sapping dementors soon floated away. I have paraphrased the above, however, whenever I read Harry Potter( the recent stint being during Covid), something makes me philosophize about this.
HP isn’t philosophy but some portions of it make me mull. More so because we are all privy to these soul sapping dementors in our daily lives. Unknown to ourselves they manipulate us into feeling a certain way even when that is not how we naturally are built to be. They camouflage themselves as friends, colleagues, relatives and many such.
They appear all nice and friendly as long as they feel secure around you, as long as they think they have the upper hand in the equation, a tale they have concocted in the cauldron of their own little sly heads. The littlest of their achievements are magnified manifold and the best of yours are questionable.
You soon grow to develop an Impostor Syndrome where you begin to doubt your own capabilities and your confidence takes a serious beating. They validate the smallest triumphs of their own and their near and dear ones. A tiny spark of their victory is translated into a display of fireworks for the world to behold. Now when you are a kid, you don’t give it much of a thought. You convince yourself that the rest are actually way better than you and the so called ‘rest’ will not relinquish any opportunity to remind you of the same.
Also, the ones accustomed to validation grow up with this pathological superiority complex where they actually start believing they are better than others. Is there a syndromic diagnosis for that? Yup, I think it is called the Dunning Kruger effect. You will see this in every field where sometimes the potential gems get sidelined while the world instead goes to tom tom about something at best mediocre. How many exceptionally made movies do well? And how many mind numbingly annoying ones are made which you watch with a pain med in your pocket to deal with that inevitable headache?
Now the issue is not somebody’s delusion but that the ecosystem around you is peaceful as long as the existing dynamics are maintained and silently complied with. If and when the tables tilt and the dark horse starts her gallop forwards towards what she is destined, that is when the hood of envy makes its ugly appearance. “Why her and not me?” “I was always better” is the narrative.
I would like to correct you. You were never better. You were made to feel better than your contemporaries. That is just how the world works. I am not saying that you didn’t work for it, but so did others. To top it, the chips were always aligned in your favor. Nobody questioned your wins then, so what gives you the right to question somebody else? Also, if you think some school marksheet is the determining factor for what you will get in life, you couldn’t be more mistaken.
When you compare two players, make sure the playing field is equal. Both have equal advantages/dis-advantages, equal opportunities, equal control over their faculties. That is how you recognize true talent. You don’t make Usain Bolt run a handicapped race and then applaud his win. That would be outright dumb. Get it ? The same logic applies.
Now this new turn of events annoys them to no end. The unfavored kid is used to being unfavored. The favored one, however, is unable to come to terms with the entrance of the new favorite in the house. While the unfavored one applauded and celebrated all of your victories, the always favored one is unable to be the bigger person now. They are just not used to sharing the limelight.
So, what do you do when this pattern repeats itself? May be it is an eye opener as to who your actual well wishers are. Who you should keep around you and who should you bid a goodbye to. You will notice the eye rolls and the jibes and the playing down of your achievements or grudgingly acknowledging them all the time comparing it with themselves or their own kids. You will soon find yourself being drained in their company.
Another prime example in my life has been the so called ‘fair weather friends’. They are there around you for hanging out, making merry and fooling around and then suddenly they ghost you. No goodbyes, no farewells. Now, I do not mind if they choose to remain that way but they again make their appearance as per their convenience. The reason always is, “I lost your number”, which you buy the first time around until you realize that they always have your number when they need something out of you.
I once had a supposed friend who would chat with me everyday, something he would initiate, meet up occasionally, at times bump into my mother and chat away with her but didn’t find it important to inform me of a major event in his life like him getting married. I had to know it through social media. I have known people who have been two timed and they have known about their supposed partner getting hitched again through social media. Honestly, that was the only use of facebook.
Now I still continued to be civil to this fellow, until he chose to ghost me for a good three years. Then, all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere and pinged me a WhatsApp msg. No questions were asked, no explanations were requested. I summoned my patronus instead, the Block + Delete button. An unceremonious end to a decade and half long friendship.
Take for instance your contact list. How many can you count on in times of need? How many would care to pick up that call or reply? If not, it is time to let them go. You don’t need a lengthy contact list only to see their latest status updates. You need a few who matter.
I think it is important that you set your boundaries. Friendships and relationships cannot be one of convenience, always the other person’s convenience. If you observe carefully, you will know who your dementors are. We all have some of them in our lives. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of your own mental well being.
Let go off people who take every opportunity to highlight your weaknesses. Mutual respect is a must for any relationship to flourish. Summon your patronus and take control of your life. Go ahead and Block +Delete.
