Flagged red…
Plenty of people have written on this topic time and again. I am just mentioning a few that I find either unacceptable or hypocritical. Not that anyone cares what my personal red flags are but I am sure many here would relate to one or the other.
To start with, belonging to a country that gives undue importance to caste, I can clearly say that not being upfront about your leanings can lead the relationship down a slippery slope. Apart from the whole idea being archaic, it is also hypocritical. For eg: My sibling once dated a girl who belonged to a different caste. It is only when the marriage proposal came up that she voiced her family’s concern regarding the same. I am still not sure how it didn’t strike her at the beginning of the courtship. Either that or she was over assuming how liberal her family is. Wake up girl!
Did turn out for the best though. Instead, my brother married someone else and I have a wonderful sis in law today.
I recently read a post here on Medium where someone made a list of his turn offs and included everything from talking in the movie theaters with their spouse to too much make up on the girl. To me, personal idiosyncrasies are not an issue. If you are ready to spoil something otherwise beautiful you have with someone for something this trivial, it could be labelled ‘nitpicking’ at best. To me, nitpicking is a red flag because it will continue to creep into your marriage too.
Mr/Miss Goody two shoes would deserve the next mention. Everybody thinks they are the epitome of perfection until you dig a little deeper. Most people who give others unnecessary sermons on their character: read character assassination usually have none to begin with.
All they have is truckloads of bitterness. A person with real character will know how to talk to and about people. Take for eg: The US Presidential debate of 2016. Both President Trump and Senator Clinton were asked the same question. Something on the lines of what it is that they found admirable in their opponent. While the best Mrs Clinton could do was give a back handed compliment, President Trump was more than kind with his words.
We don’t need to get into whose closet has more skeletons from the past, but to me, to be able to see the good in your opponent and retain objectivity is the true test of your character. You could have any political ideology, not belonging to your tribe doesn’t make your adversary incompetent or have questionable morals. Respect is a must.
Trapeze artists deserve a much needed mention here. Yeah, I call them trapeze artists. These are usually the ones who claim to be having relationship issues with their spouse. For some reason they alone know, they are always on the verge of divorce, but never really divorce. They, then swing between their current partner and their muse, never actually committing but keep them in the backburner in case the current one fizzles out. Midlife crisis/boredom/ sheer manipulation tactics/ broader agendas/ having the best of both worlds, make your pick. So, they continue to string the person along(what you call benching) without ever giving either relationship the respect it deserves.
Now, swinging between two poles will most likely leave you without a grip on either when the scorned wife or the slighted girlfriend finds out. If I were one of them, you will find a big gaping hole in the safety net below too.
Where do you find these clowns?
Everywhere. The higher up in the social ladder you are, the more likely you will come across one.
How do you spot one?
They always have a vague relationship status and indulge in spouse bitching. If, they on the other hand lie about it, aim a canon ball at them. They deserve it. So, draw your boundaries and make your unavailability for anything vague clear. Will save you a lot of heartache.
The next huge red flag and a no brainer would obviously be ‘Cheating’. When you cheat, you are doing a disservice to two people. The one you are cheating on and the one you are cheating with. The only one getting to have the cake and eat it too is you. And that I find unacceptable.
I know of couples where both enjoy fooling around and say they are honest with each other about it, so they aren’t really ‘cheating’. No! you are still a cheat to the third party in the equation. Unless, they are in the loop too. Then, to each his own. But, that makes me wonder; how is it not disappointing to realize that you don’t truly like anybody and neither of them truly like you? If anything, it is just a liaison of convenience.
Lack of companionship is another major one. Your partner should be your go-to person. You didn’t marry to procreate, you married for companionship. I am not saying, you should necessarily be physically present around each other, but emotional unavailability cannot be lived with. Beats the very purpose of the alliance.
I recently read an article where someone spoke about how partners should not have admiration for anybody else in the opposite gender when together. For eg: Just like men don’t appreciate women being all praise for a male celebrity, women do not like their man swoon over a female one. If anything, I find it hilarious. How is your partner crushing over a celebrity a cause for insecurity? An unattainable celebrity more so. My man can crush all he wants. This is where the next red flag comes in, ‘Micromanaging’.
Seeking an explanation for every silly thing from your partner is just exhausting. The ones who are going to cheat will cheat irrespective. Also don’t micromanage your partners hobbies and interests. If you do not have all of the same hobbies, discuss and reach a middle ground. For instance, travelling is important to me. It is fuel for my soul. So, ideally I would want my partner to travel with me and if not, at least let me travel. My well being should be important to him and vice versa.
Lastly, my major red flag would be negative emotions. Jealousy takes the crown in this one. When in a partnership, do not be jealous of your partner’s progress. I have seen this more than once. You two are supposed to be a team and expand each others possibilities.
Disagreements have to be sorted peacefully. You don’t yell at your boss/colleague in your workplace even when you are not on the same page, because it won’t be taken kindly. Similarly, you don’t get to yell at your spouse. You need to show them the same respect if not more. They are not your punching bag. Belittling, shaming etc would fall under the same. The opposite end of the spectrum would be a big NO too. Being passive aggressive and not sorting stuff out doesn’t help the relationship.
As I mentioned to someone here on Medium-It is not about wanting to find the perfect partner but wanting to be the perfect partner for someone. If both people involved seek to be the best version of themselves for their spouse, they would have an extraordinary relationship.
People wrongly assume that it is celebrities on glossy magazine covers that have the best relationships. More often than not, it’s a false perception. I think it is the folks who love and care deeply and are mindful of their partner’s needs and emotions, irrespective of whether a celebrity or a commoner that have the best relationship.
PS : I am neither married nor in a relationship. But, I am keenly observant and I know what I want and don’t want in one.
