Nature vs Nurture & Choosing happiness...
Just rambling out my thoughts aloud…
It is said, ‘Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. And, weak men create hard times.’
Speaking simply, it means that man is a product of his environment. If you have ever debated between ‘nature and nurture’, I will narrate this little story we read in school; a story of twins separated at birth. Both of them though genetically identical, get a different set of upbringing. Long story short, the one that grows up in the city turns into a classy gentleman, while the other who grows up in the jungle turns into a caveman. This may seem like a no brainer and an extreme example, but the essence of this tale was re-enforced over the years by experiments done in the 70’s and 80’s on identical twins separated at birth, the ethics of which are obviously questionable.
The studies found that environmental factors did influence the genetic traits of the twins. You could be gifted, but the gift needs to be nurtured for you to become exemplary at something. You could have the genes of a teetotaler, but if you are in the company of heavy drinkers, you are more likely to take to the habit. So on and so forth.
Will vote for nurture over nature any day. A lot of how you are is how you train yourself to be, the people you surround yourself with and the events you take inspiration from. However, if the two come together, you have a genius.
Take David Goggins for example. He is known as the ‘Toughest man alive’. He had a very tough upbringing and later on got a navy seal training, the toughness quotient of which we are all aware of. Not just physical toughness but mental toughness. He prides himself for roughing it out in life and getting to where he did. Now, consider the scenario in which David Goggins got a different upbringing. Suppose he had parents who loved him thoroughly but were detached( as in parents who have your back but let you find your way), or the other extreme where he was instead mollycoddled.
He probably wouldn’t be as famous as he is today or get the tag of being the strongest man alive. However, would he be a happy, fruitful and equally talented in case of the second scenario where your parents love you unconditionally without spoiling you rotten? I think yes! I think he would still be as good a navy seal and one doesn’t need a terrible childhood for that.
Why do I say all this? It is because I think being forced to be strong is unnatural and over rated just like being famous is. I have immense respect for the man, but I do not wish to be another David Goggins. I, on the other hand thrive in a loving environment. Attachment isn’t always a sign of weakness. It comes with the added responsibility of having each others backs. It takes a certain amount of strength to love immensely and to receive it in return.
Speaking of my own self, I think it is embedded in my DNA to soldier on. I do have a certain mental toughness and will keep pushing against the tide until I find my way. I am a stubborn soul that way. It might make me temporarily miserable, but I will be a happy person even while I am at it because I have made happiness my default setting. Even while sobbing it out at my shrinks clinic, I have told her between tears that I feel happy generally. Being sad on the other hand is exhausting for me. I think life is beautiful, the world is beautiful(most of it at least) and there is absolutely no need to be sad. I would live another 200 years given a choice. Ask me on my death bed and I will say I want to clock another century here.
However, life shouldn’t be only about surviving and pushing against the odds. It should be about thriving and living well. It is about having people to fall back on. There is no point being ‘King’ when you don’t have your friends and loved ones around you. A life well lived is about how happy you have been, not how strong you have been. Success has no meaning if you don’t have people to share it with.
Sometimes you cannot choose what cards you are dealt with in life. You make the most of it anyway. Many a times, being ‘strong’ is the only option you have. But, given a choice, it is all about what you prioritize in life. I don’t prioritize strength, I prioritize my happiness. Hence, as much as I am naturally a giver, I have also nurtured myself to mercilessly weed out energy vampires and people who suck the joy out of my life. I will very selfishly prioritize myself over others because I have come to the realization that being selfless will make people around me happy and being slightly selfish will make me happy.
I give plenty of chances, but once I cut ties I don’t look back and try damage control. I do not believe in regrets, hence I think a thousand times over before making my choices. I won’t take up that handsome paying job that sucks the soul out of my life and one in which I have no voice. I will do better. I would rather prefer to be a happy bitch than a naive fool.
You can always be proud that you fought it out in life all by yourself, but that is not how a young soul is meant to be nurtured. Adversities build you up and shape your character, but it need not be that way all the time. You need a little bit of it to keep you grounded and give you perspective, but not just it. I know of people who have been loved thoroughly and have grown into exceptional human beings. One should be able to inculcate a sense of responsibility without resorting to neglect. It is a fine balance really. ‘Tender loving care’ is not supposed to be some corporate HR jargon, it should be a way of life.
Building ‘strength’ is a gamble. It may either make or break your child. They may either soldier through or resort to other means of escapism like going down the spiral of substance abuse or taking their own life. I don’t think that is the purpose of the whole endeavor. If you want to bring out the best in your child, give them the best of nature and nurture and watch yourself make a genius.
And while at it, make sure to make a happy one.
